"Done." Alan sighed. Finally, the great heap of dung had been shoveled into a great big sack.
"finally." His dad said. "Now...I've got some bad news."he continued. Alan groaned.
"Not another dung heap...please."
"No, no more dung heap, something slightly worse. We're moving." His dad said.Alan stared.
"Where to?" He whispered.
"Melosica."
* * *
"Now for your surprise." Millie's dad said as he led her into the house. In the middle of the big circular hall, there stood three suitcases.
"We're going on vacation!" Her mother sweet voice called out. Millie was almost jumping up and don with excitement.
"Where to?" She asked.
"Melosica."
* * *
"Why?" Alan whined. They were sitting around a table, eating supper.
"There's a lot of work and money there, and we need work and money."
"When are we going?" Alan asked.
"As soon as possible."
"But everything is here. The library, the Steins-" He was interrupted by his dad.
"You stole from them!"
"Not really...They took my knife, and I jut took it back." His dad looked sternly at Alan.
"But...Why must we move dad?"
"We must! Or we could starve, if that would satisfy you!"
"You're probably right...but...but..." Alan couldn't think of any worthwhile argument.
* * *
Two weeks later, Alan was standing outside the gates of his home town. He was going to miss the ivy coated light brown buildings. He had lived there for thirteen years, his entire life.
"Come." His dad said. Alan turned around to the clammy dark carriage. The carriage was crowded with people, and it was a miracle that he fitted in at all, but he did, and so his journey began.
* * *
Millie had been traveling for two weeks, but was probably still going to arrive at Melosica the same time as Alan. As it was her birthday present, Millie's parents had done all they could to make Millie feel spoilt. Millie was being carried on a sedan chair, by four slaves. This had made the journey very slow. Millie's parents were riding next to her on camels, her dad holding an umbrella over Millie's head, and her mom carrying the baggage. The landscape was a barren and lifeless stretch of vast desert. Millie herself was enjoying herself, but she didn't want to. She felt like a brat. There was four slaves and her parents in discomfort for her comfort.
* * *
When Alan woke after a long and dreamless sleep, he found, to his surprise,that he was alone. Night was flowing into the open back door of the carriage. Alan stood up, to go to the door, and inspect what was going on. outside the wind was howling. On the way to the door, Alan heard an ear piercing screech. He covered his ears and fell to the ground. Suddenly, the carriage shook. Then, Alan experienced a new feeling. The carriage was moving in a strange way. Alan crawled to the door, and what he saw, stunned him.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Thanks, glad you liked it!!
If you get this much crit, you know people like ur stories.................................................................
No one even reads my own.............................ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Well life is life. But you really have to continue this. And I need to crit in... (Yet again.)
I really liked it anywayz
***********************************************************************************
LORD ANZIUS WAZ HERE
Thank you all for the critique, I'll definitely edit.
Okay, caught some spelling mistakes, but I'll fix them right up. Please don't take it the wrong way. I am just suggesting the following improvements. I like the story so far. When's chapter two coming out?
Okay it should be like this: "Done," Alan said exhasted. Finally, the great heap of dung had been shoveled into a great sack.
Okay when in dialouge put a comma there instead of a period. Here its like this: "Finally," his dad said, "Now...I've got some bad news." Alan groaned.
Okay this sentance is okay, although it could be reworded like this: "Not another dung heap," he pleaded.
I would put it like this: "No, no more dung heaps I'm afraid. We're moving,"his dad said apologetically. Alan stared at him with disbelief.
Everything's good here.NEXT.
"Melosica."
* * *
You could rephase it like this: "Now for your surprise," Millie's dad said with excitement as he lead her, stumbling, into the house. He had her eyes covered until they got into the living room. Three suitcases stood in the middle of the floor.
Nice, very nice.
* * *
Okay another typo. Its sitting.
Here's a little tip: try not to start your sentances with And.
"When are we going?" Alan asked.
"As soon as possible."
"But everything is here. The library, the Steins-" He was interrupted by his dad.
"You stole from them!"
"Not really...They took my knife, and I jut took it back." His dad looked sternly at Alan.
"But...Why must we move dad?"
"We must! Or we could starve, if that would satisfy you!"
"You're probably right...but...but..." Alan couldn't think of any worthwhile argument.
* * *
Two weeks later, Alan was standing outside the gates of his home town. He was going to miss the ivy coated light brown buildings. He had lived there for thirteen years, his entire life.
"Come." His dad said. Alan turned around to the clammy dark carriage. The carriage was crowded with people, and it was a miracle that he fitted in at all, but he did, and so his journey began.
* * *
Millie had been traveling for two weeks, but was probably still going to arrive at Melosica the same time as Alan. As it was her birthday present, Millie's parents had done all they could to make Millie feel spoilt. Millie was being carried on s sedan chair, by four slaves. This had made the journey very slow. Millie's parents were riding next to her on camels, her dad holding an umbrella over Millie's head, and her mom carrying the baggage. The landscape was a barren and lifeless stretch of vast desert. Millie herself was enjoying herself, but she didn't want to. She felt like a brat. There was four slaves and her parents in discomfort for her comfort.
* * *
When Alan woke after a long and dreamless sleep, he found, to his surprise,that he was alone. Night was flowing into the open back door of the carriage. Alan stood up, to go to the door, and inspect what was going on. outside the wind was howling. On the way to the door, Alan heard an ear piercing screach. He covered his ears and fell to the ground. Suddenly, the carriage shook. Then, Alan experienced a new feeling. the carriage was moving in an strange way. Alan crawled to the door, and what he saw, stunned him.
Anyways sorry I couldn't get to all your mistakes. Gotta go catch ya later!
You really need to work on your description. While the reader is responsible for filling in most of the blanks for what the main character looks like, the writer has to give them something to build off of.
In the beggining, for example. I had no idea how old Alen was, what he looked like, his dad too. When your describing them shoveling dung into a sack, you eally need to show thee reader where you are. Say you're in the backyard of their house, or a junkyard somewhere, something that shows me where they are. Why would a father and son be piling dung into a bag, I don't know. But if you can at least tell me where the characters are and what they look like, I can disregard that.
There's also this one line that bothered me:
"finally." His dad said. "Now...I've got some bad news." Alan groaned.
Not only does 'finally' need to be capatalized, but you flat out say that a man (springing out of nowhere, by the way) is Alen's dad. You have to show, not tell, by instead of saying the man is Alen's dad in the narrative, have Alen say, '"Done," Alen said. "Great job, dad."
Once again, for Millie's perspective, there's no description. I find it incredibly hard to visualize anything in your world when you don't give me any description. Also,
"In the middle of a circular room"
could just be replaced by;
"In the middle of the living room."
And Milliie's mother comes out of nowhere just like Alen's dad. And you shouldn't say;
"Millie was almost jumping up and down with excitement."
She either is or she's not. Putting in 'almost' makes the narrative passive, meaning that you're basically telling a story to your readers instead of showing your readers. It would work much better as simply,
"Mille jumped up and down with excitement."
Now back to Alen's perspective, still no description of the dinner table, who's sitting at it, the food they're eating, or the house in general. I'm barely seeing a setting.
You should also break up the dialouge with some actual action. How about changing,
'"Theres a lot of work there, and we need the money," his dad answered, biting off a large chuck of steak as he spoke.'
It makes the characters actually seem like normal people having dinner instead of justing sitting at a table and talking. You also need to work on better showing your chaarcters ppersonalities. Give them some situations to show their flaws, and reactions. We've got a whole chapter here to develop Alen and Millie, no need to rush to the plot. Adding more variations of said to fit the character's disposition is vital, such as changing,
'"Why?" Alen asked his dad.'
to
'"Why?" Alen whined.'
That is, unless you wanted to make him sound totally emotionless.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Add actual description, personality to your characters (such as them thinking', and have the characters do something that made 'Millie feel like a brat' instead of taking the easy way out and just telling your readers like a campfire story.
He probably did not notice it. You scared the poor bloke. He`ll probably never write again.
The dialogue. Fine. Check spelling and the things that Lord pointed out and from my idea put a little describtion on that dialogue... its kinda empty. The other parts, not pointing out again the spelling, are fine and well writen.
Chapter 2 coming up?
Have you noticed the "check spelling" button on the right side of the text box, just above the box????
Remember the space after comas and other punctuation marks, always spell check your work, and do not do this :
Don't write "Alan groaned" straight after the dad's dialogue, write it like
"finally." His dad said. "Now...I've got some bad news." he continued. (remember the space.) Alan groaned.
The italic part was edited by me.
I also think you did a very good job with the dual narrative.
Love the idea.
Pm me when the next part is done.
Firslty, Hi again. i commented on some of ur other work too
Wow, a gr8 follow on from the prologue.
YOu have made a great start to this dual narrative and i like it a lot
I think that u may benefit from some of the points i am going to make...
remember, im only saying it to help, not to be annoying!!!
1) there are a few typing errors i piced up on...nothing major so don't worry!
Firstly in the...3rd chunk with alan again, the word 'sitting' only has 1 't' . needs two.
in the second to last paragraph, you put 's' instead of 'a' in the bit about the chair.
in the last paragraph, you put...'an strange way' when it should be 'a strange way'
2) I think you have great potential so it might even be an idea to extend on this by adding more description, speach etc. especially in the first paragraph for extra effect.
3) in the last paragraph i think you over used the word 'door' a little, but its nothing major!
Sorry to pick these things out, its just that i think this could be really great!
Best of luck!
Bisquit.